When I was about fifteen or sixteen years old in high school I was a really happy boy. People used to call me "smiley". I was also doing very well academically, top of my class. We had a mid term break, I was excited as always to be going home. Left school boarded a matatu with some other guys we lived in the same area and went home. When I got near home i realized things weren't ok. My mom's clothes were scattered outside, I can't remember well but I think my elder brother was gathering or gathered them later. I learnt that my dad had chased my mom away the night before. This had happened before but this time there was a finallity to it. I didn't know how to process it so I ignored it. Spent my break and went back to school. I didn't realize how badly it affected me but I changed. Its like a dark cloud came over me, no more smiles. Academically, I crashed. I can't explain it its like a deep sadness that you can't get away from. You can laugh with your friends till you cry but deep inside there is this inescapable sadness. My home was my entire world, it was all I knew and now it was gone. I lost all the security I had in the world. This placed in me a deep insecurity that took years to overcome. To this day I still struggle.
Now I have a daughter of my own and I am deeply worried for her. What if her mom and I don't last and she has to go through the same. Selfishness and pride caused the break up of my parent's home and now I see elements of the same in my wife and I. This deeply troubles me. See selfishess and pride can be very subtle, they show in our attitudes, tone of voice. Being a christian, I believe the that after the fall in the garden of Eden, we became hopelessly selfish and proud. Both partners need to be in agreement to battle these two foes deliberately. As man, I have had to take one for the team many times. In a fight, I know I'm right and even have the facts to prove it but I love peace more in my home so I yield. I know many men have had to do this for the sake of their families.
I have found hope in the word of God. Sin is deceptive, it hardens and blinds us to our own faults. As a christian, I find hope in God's word, in:
Heb 13:21 says:
...equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ to whom be glory for ever and ever.